[Only surviving photo from the night. It truly was a battle.]Drinking holidays are gifts from above in every single way. They are holidays like the Fourth of July, Cinco de Mayo, Halloween, Easter, fuck it, even Earth Day. Sure these days may have significant meaning and history, but really it's just an excuse to get properly shit-housed and scream "Oleeeeeeeeeee! Ole! Ole! Ole!" on a crowded bus. Everyday is a good day to get buckwild, but drinking holidays let you justify your addiction! Score!
Cinco de Mayo never fails to disappoint, really just because the main ingredient in everything is tequila. Shirts come off, punches get thrown, and families divided as the bottles of Cuervo get finished. (Oh you'd like to think we're throwing back Patron on ice all night, but this is a recession so just be glad we didn't add hot sauce to a bottle of Listerine and call it the next big thing.)
The Cinco de Mayo '09 shitshow award definitely has to go to our favorite latina who we'll lovingly call Lola. (Elise, stop crying, it's ok. You can try to win it next year.) It may have been the personal connection Lola felt with her homeland of Mexico on this special holiday or it could have been the 6 pitchers of margaritas, but she was on ANOTHER level.
About 10 of us (stay tuned, we drop like flies) went out to Velvet Cantina in the heart of the Mission. Normally Velvet Cantina doesn't have a bouncer, so when they did, we were thrown off and the two people without fake ID's were freaking out. Saint-Lola to the rescue! I'm inside trying to figure out something else we could do, when Lola comes up to me and says, "I got this." I then see her walk up the bouncer, caress his arm and talk for about 4 minutes. Then to my disbelief all 7 of our friends begin to file into the sweaty bar.
Their conversation went something like this:
Lola: "Hi buddy, do you see that ATM over there?"
Bouncer: "Yes."
Lola: "How about I walk over to that ATM and get you some cash to let my two friends who aren't 21 in?"
Bouncer: "You don't need to do that, just bring them over."
Ask nicely and you can have whatever you like. Everyone hails Lola for rescuing the night and we get a big booth in the backroom. Posted up with a pitcher of margarita each, things get nice and wild.
Brittany, disgusted with American ignorance, begins to walk around the crowded bar asking people if they even know what Cinco de Mayo means. Failing to answer her quickly or accurately strangers were subjected to a rant about the "Battle of Puebla." Thanks for the history lesson babe, now let's do a body shot! She was a charging bull and people were running to save their lives.
Lola, eager to one up her, gets it in her head to give me a lap dance. Beautiful girl, I have no complaints, but it should be said that unlike myself and most my friends, Lola is a girl of dignity and class. I think I spoke too soon because the next second, Lola is straddling me, rocking up and down. She rips her shirt off, swinging it over her head like a rodeo-princess. Her black velvet bra is not even kidding and the rest of the bar has turned to admire the free show.
Next Elise and Morgan walk up to the bar to get two more pitchers.(Someone cut us off.) The bartender admires Morgan's boobs and says she'll get the margaritas for free if she flashes him. Yes, we only go to the most respectable establishments. But to be fair, they are very nice boobs indeed and it's not like he doesn't have reason to believe he's got a shot. (Angelica, sorry babe, made out with him last time we were there.) But Morgan turned his proposition down. (I know, I know. I was dissapointed in her too.)
I walk outside to smoke a cigarette, only to find Lola has now decided to kiss one of our mutual good friends. Lola was in a short kiss with a boy, which hugely concerned and confused me. See the thing is Lola is a lesbian and the idea of her not picking me if she was to kiss a boy was very disheartening. Whatever, we then watched a crackhead do the same magic trick 8 times in a row. Each time more and more impressed he finally confessed that his deck of cards was a trick deck that only had twos and eights. Entranced by the card trick, I fail to notice that Lola has now retreated behind a telephone pole (not a great hiding spot) and is puking her brains out.
Being the nurture, care-taker that I am, I held her hair and whispered sweet nothings into her ear. She was a trooper and continued partying after leaving her tequila stew on the pavement. Oh Lola you've never been more rock 'n roll!
Ask nicely and you can have whatever you like. Everyone hails Lola for rescuing the night and we get a big booth in the backroom. Posted up with a pitcher of margarita each, things get nice and wild.
Brittany, disgusted with American ignorance, begins to walk around the crowded bar asking people if they even know what Cinco de Mayo means. Failing to answer her quickly or accurately strangers were subjected to a rant about the "Battle of Puebla." Thanks for the history lesson babe, now let's do a body shot! She was a charging bull and people were running to save their lives.
Lola, eager to one up her, gets it in her head to give me a lap dance. Beautiful girl, I have no complaints, but it should be said that unlike myself and most my friends, Lola is a girl of dignity and class. I think I spoke too soon because the next second, Lola is straddling me, rocking up and down. She rips her shirt off, swinging it over her head like a rodeo-princess. Her black velvet bra is not even kidding and the rest of the bar has turned to admire the free show.
Next Elise and Morgan walk up to the bar to get two more pitchers.(Someone cut us off.) The bartender admires Morgan's boobs and says she'll get the margaritas for free if she flashes him. Yes, we only go to the most respectable establishments. But to be fair, they are very nice boobs indeed and it's not like he doesn't have reason to believe he's got a shot. (Angelica, sorry babe, made out with him last time we were there.) But Morgan turned his proposition down. (I know, I know. I was dissapointed in her too.)
I walk outside to smoke a cigarette, only to find Lola has now decided to kiss one of our mutual good friends. Lola was in a short kiss with a boy, which hugely concerned and confused me. See the thing is Lola is a lesbian and the idea of her not picking me if she was to kiss a boy was very disheartening. Whatever, we then watched a crackhead do the same magic trick 8 times in a row. Each time more and more impressed he finally confessed that his deck of cards was a trick deck that only had twos and eights. Entranced by the card trick, I fail to notice that Lola has now retreated behind a telephone pole (not a great hiding spot) and is puking her brains out.
Being the nurture, care-taker that I am, I held her hair and whispered sweet nothings into her ear. She was a trooper and continued partying after leaving her tequila stew on the pavement. Oh Lola you've never been more rock 'n roll!
No comments:
Post a Comment