Spare Me Keira

You know that chick Keira Knightley? Of course, anyway, sure she is one hot bag-of-bones but she does one things that is more god damn annoying than when bars are "cash only." (Get a credit card machine, this is 2009 for christ-sake and mama wants a cocktail.) She fucking acts through her lips. Next time you watch one of those 4 hour Pirate movies, pay extra attention to her pout. She'll purse and pout her lips and beg for mercy like it's going out of style. "Ohhh Captain Jack Sparrow, please don't poke my eyes out." Madeleine gives us her best Keira pout and lazy-eye.

Blackberry Vizion

Wazima on Divisadaro is the bomb. Classier than a dive bar, but still dark enough to make you forget your morals and your last name at times. Elise told the bartender she looked like a gypsy-pirate, which was a huge compliment because of how "into pirate culture she is." (Fucking poser, I know right.) We dismally lost a game of pool, but didn't get kicked out for anything. Oh yea baby!

Happy Fourth

Sam Finger goes patriotic. America SUP!

Real Legit

There is only one thing that would appropriately fit in that man's purse and it rhymes with "fun." Got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

Daily Dealbreaker

Dealbreaker #13; "I won't date you if you have designs of any kind shaved into your goddamn head."

No really, I'm not being picky. Your hair should never look like zebra print. Hands down dealbreaker. It seems obvious to say, but at the same time there are guys walking around with shit shaved into their domes.

True Life: Flies Are Invading My Life

Please allow me to explain. I'm generally a clean person with some exceptions. I shower daily, but I can never remember to brush my teeth. (Mainly cause I'm blacked-out at bedtime.) My clothes look clean, but I do laundry bi-annually. Personally I don't find cleaning therapeutic or fun or a turn on of any kind. Some people do, but I just don't get it.

I like to eat out because someone serving you is, well, fabulous, so I make food in my apartment probably once a month. The dishes from this rare occasion stay in my sink for atleast 3 weeks and I basically just rope off my kitchen with invisible CAUTION tape and dont go in it, until I finally man-up, put on some yellow gloves, blast "How Many Licks" By Lil' Kim on repeat, and get down to business.

Due to my lack of real responsibilities this summer I have also been quite the vagabond. No not slut, just vagabond. I've spent little time in my apartment going there about once a week to get more clothes, apologize to my house plants and such. After a 12 day span away from the place, a few of my friends went over there to pick up my laundry for me. Jesus christ, the tales of terror they brought back are still haunting me to this day.

Apparently the dirty dishes I had left there the previous week had created a major fly problem. A few fruit flies had reproduced, laying eggs and growing into hundreds of flying shitheads. Since the windows were closed and I have a small place, basically my studio was a petri-dish, just growing toxic flies. Fucking gross. The next day I gathered a posse, there is no way I was handling this alone. We headed over with a bottle of Jim Beam and some cheap champagne and just started swatting and hissing at these helpless flies.

Once I thought everything was under control, Isabel kindly informs me that before I got there they had spotted the Mother Fly, who was apparently the size of a golf-ball. The biggest fly in the world, quite possibly, and she tells me that they lost her somewhere under the bed and she is probably still alive. NOT CHILL.

I tried to send out a small search party, but they ended up just chain-smoking and laughing in my face. My fear of flies these days is legitamite and unforgiving, but I am happy to say there are none left in my apartment. And I no longer buy groceries because I simply can not handle all the responsibilities that accompany food. C'est pathetic. I learned my lesson.

Lyrical Killspree

"This is the Carter, so hold on to your teenage daughters.

This is the Carter, a lot more rich and a whole lot smarter."

-Lil Wayne