WHO DONE IT??

[One night of fun = 6 weeks of hobble-hobble-crutch-time]

Our story begins a few nights before Halloween last year. We decided to get a keg for... well we didn't have an especially good reason, but fuck it, it was Thursday and this is college: KEG TIME. You wouldn't think it, but kegs can sometimes have the same effects as open bars. It would be one thing if it was a huge raging party with people hanging from the banisters and the keg getting tapped at like 10:30. No, we like to keep our keggers more intimate. (If I'm going to put a $90 deposit on my over-drafted debit card, and get a hernia dragging this thing up a flight of stairs: I WANT MY FUCKING MONEYS WORTH.

The night was running as smoothly as a reality show that follows a script: beer pong, keg stands, and drunken wrestling in the living room. Ghetto Superstar, that is whatcho you are... was belted at the top of our lungs at some point and I woke up wearing snake skin pants. (Yes normally a dealbreaker, but it was close enough to Halloween that I got away with it.)

Around two am, three of my girls leave to go on a drunken mission. The rest of the party was not aware that they left, which would explain why we didn't really worry when they didn't return.

At 6 am I get a call telling me that "Tiffany" is in the hospital with a broken ankle. The explanation for this is so good that I couldn't even have made it up if I tried.

Apparently, Tiffany along with "Courtney" and "Rosa" were stumbling through campus. [Side-note: the library at USF has a long river-like fountain that goes along one side of it.] When they pass the library, Courtney sees the fucking fountain and says,

"I'll give anyone who jumps into that fountain, butt-naked, twenty bucks right now."

Let's review: what do we know about drinking heavily and "truth or dare"? BAD NEWS BEARS. Without hesitation, Tiffany rips her clothes off. Remember that this is a pre-Halloween party and Tiffany had on a lace-onesie over a Wonderwoman-esque corset. She runs to the SHALLOW end of the fountain and DIVES THE FUCK IN THERE.

Hitting the water, she starts yelling in pain because without knowing it: she just landed directly on her ankle and BROKEN IT. AH SHIIIIIIT. Altough Tiffany is screaming slightly, Courtney (brilliant idea Courtney, really genius) unmercilessly says, "It doesn't count unless you get your head under."

Not willing to give up, Tiffany sticks her head under and crawls out of the fountain. Important to note that the fountain runs along side the part of the library that is open 24 hours a day and is fully lite. Although it is two in the morning, here at THE "Harvard of the West" there were about 30 people whose studying got interrupted by a drunk naked babe diving into the fountain outside.

So know Tiffany is: WASTED, NAKED, SOAKED FROM HEAD TO TOE, WITH A FUCKING BROKEN ANKLE. Rockbotton? We're not judging. Next they all sit behind a bush until Tiffany can bear the pain no more, they flag down our schools Public Safety car. They struggling to get as much of her clothes on her, while the stupid rent-a-cops drive them to the emergency room.

Tiffany's last memory of the night is being asked what type of pain medicine she needed. To which she viciously replied, "THE HARD SHIT! GIVE IT TO ME NOOOOOW."

For the next six weeks, Tiffany was a regulation badass with a broken ankle, but when her boss and parents asked her how it happened: um let's just say she won't be referring them to this story anytime soon.